Heil und Gesund

how else can i say it? life has been intense. deadlines are pressing, as are obsessions, worries, and good times. the latter including seeing Animal Collective live, and a fully good meal with friends at Bix. mood swings from euphoria to absolute urgency. the latest insurgency is a revival of the 3 investigators...in German. ja, hast du wirklich richtig gelesen. hab' ich sogar entdeckten, dass die drei Detekive bleiben immer noch. und vielleicht werden wir die Alfred Hitchcock series ins Kino bald sehen. at any rate, the language and the German way of thinking has come back in a flood. Mein Boyfriend ist nur Fremd, als ich ganztaetig auf Deutsch im Schaedel gehabt hatte. ich fuhl' mich etwas unbekannt und allein.

i didn't really expect revisiting my favorite adolescent books to exacerbate sad memories. skeletons i'd thought i'd long lost. basically my inability to incorporate into a new culture, but then somehow constructing myself from the little of what i knew at the time (i'd just turned 12). there is a somewhat melancholy realization which i have come upon, and that is that the abstract experiences, diese Mischung, that have made me into me thus far, are not entirely congruent. the real Germany, and the Germany i made up for myself - in order to define myself at the time - , don't co-exist. no matter how i'd like to make it all fit together, i'm afraid it won't ever. i disappoint, not knowing myself at the time. aber so, wurde ich doch zwoelf. wie soll man die Schuld aufteilen?

deswegen die Ursache Reisen zu machen. i'm most comfortable in being a stranger, to others and to myself. Wenn ich Fremd bin, werd' ich in sicherer Verwahrung bleiben.

the upside of this German revival, however, is that i think i can apply my language skills to an actual job, or to public assistance in the near future. it'll be good to make myself 'useful' again!

this picture is of the inside cover to hardback version of the books, in their early years.
link to a 3 investigators fansite, to whom this picture belongs:
tunneltwo.com